Overheard in The Kings Arms Public House, Mitcham……
It only takes me one drink to make me drunk.
I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth.
A woman drove me to drink and I never had the chance to thank her.
Alcohol is a depressant.
When I arrive home drunk, my wife is miserable as sin.
Spirit drinkers are agile, but they are excitable.
Beer drinkers are heavy, but in their heaviness there is peace.
I don’t dance because my drink spills on the floor.
I am not a hard drinker, I find it very easy.
I’m always in favour of double glazing.
A glass in each hand.
I don’t have a drinking problem.
I get drunk, and I fall down.
No problem at all.
My doctor told me to eat more fruit.
So I put a cherry in my beer.
I kept reading about the evils of drink,
So I gave up reading.
I call my mother-in-law the exorcist.
Every Christmas she comes and gets rid of all the spirits.
I like the odd drink – 5, 7, 9, 11.
My idea of a balanced diet is a pint in each hand.
If I could afford to drown my sorrows I wouldn’t have any.
My doctor told me I was a heavy drinker and must do something about it.
So I went on a diet.
Hangover? I’m not sober long enough to get one.
It’s taken a lot of will power but I’ve finally kicked the urge to give up drinking.
I am not a heavy drinker.
I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.
Beer doesn’t make you fat. It makes you lean….
Against bars, walls, tables.
I’ve joined alcoholics anonymous.
I still drink, but under a different name.
People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.
My doctor told me not to drink before lunch.
So I gave up lunch.
Sometimes I look around at the trees and the flowers and listen to the birds and the insects,
And I think, “I could really murder a pint”.
My doctor said he couldn’t find the cause of my illness.
He said it may be due to drinking too much.
I told him I’ll come back when he’s sober.
I tried jogging once, but I kept spilling my beer.
I never eat when I’m drinking,
I don’t believe in wasting valuable space.
My handicap is the pub between my house and the golf course.
Executives and top management don’t get drunk,
They unwind.
I only drink to steady my nerves.
Last night I got so steady I couldn’t move.
I’m going to stop drinking.
I don’t think I’m an alcoholic yet,
But I can see the writing on the floor.
I have a drink problem.
I can’t afford as much of it as I’d like.
Nothing annoys me as much as being told I’ve had too much to drink and being unable to stand up and dispute it.
Most people my age spend a lot of time thinking about the next few years.
The time they spend thinking, I spend drinking.
In 1965, The British Medical Association recommended that the safe limit for drinking and driving should be the equivalent of 12 whiskies.
