A Man’s Best Wealth

The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce.

A woman seldom asks advice before she has bought her wedding clothes.

Divorces among over-50s soared by 20 per cent in the past 10 years even though the overall rate fell by 16 per cent.

More couples than ever are turning their back on marriage and opting to live together.
A total of 232,990 couples tied the knot in 2008 (England and Wales), down from 235,370 in 2007 and the lowest since 1895.
The number of marriages per head of population fell to its lowest since records began in 1862.
Since 1981 alone the number of marriages in England and Wales has fallen by a third.
Resolution, a group of family lawyers, is concerned that cohabiting couples do not realise they do not have the same financial protection as married couples.

A good wife and health is a man’s best wealth.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage and half shut afterwards.

The punishment for bigamy is two mothers-in-law.

Maids want nothing but husbands, and when they have them they want everything.

A divorce is like an amputation.
You survive it, but there’s less of you.

As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will, he will be sure to repent.

A young man should not marry yet, an old man not at all.

Marriage is an attempt to change a night owl into a homing pigeon.

“If I were married to you, I’d put poison in your coffee”.
“If you were my wife, I’d drink it!”

My wife was one of the early birds.
And I was one of the worms.

I’d rather be in prison than trapped inside an unhappy marriage.

So heavy is the chain of wedlock that it needs two to carry it, and sometimes three.

You know what I did before I got married?
Anything I wanted to.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is?
A widow.

Should all married couples be frank and earnest,
Or should one of them be a woman?

My mate’s wife asked him if he knew what her favourite flower was.
He said, “Self-raising”.

My mate’s divorce has been taking ages because of arguments over the custody of the kids.
He doesn’t want them, nor does his wife.

It’s a law in certain tribes of cannibals that when a daughter reaches the age of 18 she has to find herself an edible young bachelor.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it’s worth it.

Marriage is the only union that can’t be organised.
Both sides think they’re management.

When you have been long married, sex is just another reason to take your pants off.

You don’t know what true happiness is until you get married.
And then it’s too late.

My Mate Is Bi-Sexual

There’s more to living than sex, but it’s way ahead of whatevers in second place.

Some people have sex on the brain, which is not the most satisfactory place for it.

Last night was violent, unbridled, fanatical sex, until we turned off the telly and went to bed.

Masturbation is having sex with someone you love.

The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water.
Not before or after, but instead.

The nearest my mate’s been to a sexual experience lately is finding lipstick on a café cup.

There was a young fellow called Andy,
Went into a pub for a shandy.
He used his loincloth to wipe the froth off,
And the barmaid said, “Blimey, that’s Andy”.

There is no escape from a hungry tiger or an affectionate woman.

It doesn’t matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don’t do it in the street and frighten the children, traffic wardens and Welsh people.

If you lay with a dog, don’t be surprised if you get fleas.

When it comes to sex, my sister-in-law has been around.
Well, not exactly around but nearby.

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember her name, how you met, or why she’s dead!

My mate was seeing the girl across the road,
But he said she draws her curtains now.

My mate is dating a homeless woman.
He says it’s easier to talk her into staying the night.

A woman in the pub last night asked me if I wanted to sleep with her for £30.
I told her I’m not really tired but I could do with the money.

My mate’s having sex with a pair of twins.
I asked him, “How do you tell them apart?”
He said, “It’s easy, Linda’s got long blonde hair and Colin’s got a moustache”.

My mate is bi-sexual.
The only thing a girl ever says to him after sex is ‘bye’.

My mate tried some of that aphrodisiac Rhino Horn and it’s started to work.
He says he finds rhinos extremely attractive.

A three-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
“Mum”, he asked, “Are these my brains?”
His mother replied, “not yet son”.

I used to enjoy sex every night, then the television broke down.

When you have been long married, sex is just another reason to take your pants off.

When a man loves a woman, he shouldn’t spend his whole life with her.
He should spend half an hour.

Never lay down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

I can’t understand why more people aren’t bi-sexual.
It would double your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Undoubtedly The Nastiest

“I had the misfortune to work for David Cameron for a couple of months just after he was appointed to the Shadow Education Brief in 2005.
Being an ex-journalist myself, I’ve worked for some nasty types in the past….he was undoubtedly the nastiest”.
(a comment made to Peter Hitchens, The Mail On Sunday, by a person who wishes to remain anonymous).

Educational Smut

Despite the casual massacre of unborn babies in the abortion mills, and the free handouts of morning –after pills (originally developed for pedigree dogs which had been consorting improperly with mongrels), and the ready issue of condoms to anyone who asks, and the prescription of contraceptive devices to young girls behind the backs of their parents by smiling advice workers, and the invasion of school classrooms by supposedly educational smut, the teenage pregnancy strategy has failed, is failing and will continue to fail.

Death From Car Polution

Up to 50,000 Britons are dying early every year because of car pollution, it is claimed.
Experts say exhaust fumes and toxic particles from brakes and tyres could take 10 years off the lives of people in cities.
Environment researcher Professor Frank Kelly of King’s College London said, “This issue is much larger than fatalities and serious injury from road accidents in the UK”.
The professor told the commons environmental audit committee that tackling car pollution was as important as dealing with obesity, alcohol and smoking.
Professor Kelly said, “Children in highly polluted areas lose the ability for their lungs to develop. If this is not resolved by the time they are 20 they will never regain the function”.
Diesel cars have pushed up pollution.
About 40 per cent of vehicles now use diesel fuel compared to 8 per cent 20 years ago.

Criminals Free Under Tory Rule

Dangerous criminals would be on the streets if the Tories relaxed rules on DNA.
The Conservatives want details to be removed from the national database after three years.
But labour says the system should be tightened up.
Home secretary Alan Johnson said, “There are 23 cases involving rape, murder and other serious violent offences which could have remained unsolved last year (2009) if David Cameron’s plans had become law”.
“By reducing the amount of time DNA can be stored from six years to three, the Tories would make it much harder for the police to catch criminals”.

Cocaine’s ‘Eco Harm’

Cocaine users are accused of helping to make global warming worse.
The drug was devastating Columbian rainforests because trees are knocked down to grow coca plants.
For every few lines of cocaine snorted, four square metres of rainforest is destroyed.

Cocaine Addiction

Growing numbers of youngsters are being treated for cocaine addiction, NHS figures reveal.
Since 2005 the number of under-18s helped to quit rose more than 65 per cent – from 453 to 745 addicts.
Treatment numbers for 18 to 24 year-olds doubled from 1586 to 3005.
A total of 12,354 people were treated for cocaine addiction in England last year (2009).
Four in 10 addicts were clean after six months but a quarter had dropped out.
Cocaine caused 235 sudden deaths in 2008.
Cocaine use leads to heart disease and erosion of brain function.

Family Life Has Ceased To Exist

Eating together as a family is shown to be beneficial in many ways – socially, emotionally and nutritionally.
When eating in a family environment we learn to socialise with others and understand dietary disciplines such as not eating too fast, waiting for others to finish before leaving the table, and simple things like not speaking with a mouth full of food.

Emotionally, studies have shown that children who frequently eat with their families have better results at school, are less depressed, less likely to drink alcohol, smoke or take drugs than children who eat with their families less than twice a week.
Children thrive on routines which make them feel secure and loved.
Regular meal times all together give children the opportunity to discuss problems with family members.
It relaxes and encourages them to wind down.
They are better friends with their siblings and learn to respect others around the table.

Unfortunately, family life has ceased to exist for a large majority of people.

In Tiny Cages With Agonising Wounds

A recent census revealed that India’s tiger numbers have been over estimated for years.
There are now thought to be just 1,400 left in the entire country, their numbers slashed by relentless poaching and habitat destruction.

About 4,000 endangered moon bears are kept in tiny cages in Vietnam.
They are left with agonising wounds after being repeatedly cut open with a syringe so their bile, which is thought to have medicinal properties, can be extracted.

Laos was known as “the land of a million elephants”, but due to deforestation there are just a few hundred left in the wild.
There’s also a few hundred left working in the logging industry.