A Message From China

I hope you enjoyed the sight of that second-hand Bentley salesman on the steps of Downing Street.
I trust the sight of his over-smug, over-privileged face waltzing into No.10 to assume his birthright with his horsey wife (is she why he’s so keen on stable government?) has left your sphincter looser than Nick Clegg’s morals.

I pray you are proud of an election which has ushered in a modern way of running the country – having not one, but two Oxbridge-educated public-schoolboys in charge.
Well I’m with you in spirit, 6000 miles away in Shanghai, having done what certain Tory celebrities do when the enemy wins elections and fled the country.
(By the way, I think I passed Phil Collins and Jim Davidson coming back through Heathrow and I urge the new government to treat them the way they want to treat asylum-seekers, by tethering them to beds in floating prisons off the Outer Hebrides).

The Chinese have a saying: “May you live in interesting times”.
I too have a saying: “When the Tories are in power may you live abroad”.
Confucious has a saying which the Lib Dems should have heard before selling the country down the river: “Donkey’s lips do not fit on to a horse’s mouth”.

Why China? Well they still fly the red flag, everyone has a job, there are 1.4 billion people who’ve never heard of Katie Price and it reminds me a lot of Liverpool because the women walk around the streets in pyjamas.
And although the human rights record is appalling, I fear you’re going to see worse in the parts of Britain that didn’t vote for the Eton Mafia.
Also the only British telly is BBC world which will soon be closed when Rupert Murdoch demands pay-back for letting his newspapers become Tory propaganda sheets.

So enjoy Tory Britain.
When the riots come down your way and the looting starts, please save the last plasma screen TV for me.

(Brian Reade in China)

South Africa – A Child Is Raped Every 3 Minutes

South Africa has the highest incidence of rape in the world, and almost half the victims are children.
A child is raped in South Africa every three minutes,
But almost 9 out of 10 cases of child rape are never reported.
Often it is because the child is too scared of the rapist to tell anyone.
Rape is the least likely crime to be reported and victims say fear of reprisal is the most common reason for not telling anyone.
A girl born today in South Africa has around a one in three chance of completing secondary school,
But she has a one in two chance of being raped.

Over 5 million people in South Africa are living with aids,
More than any other country in the world.
So when a child is raped, the victim should automatically be given anti-aids drugs to try to stop any infection developing.
The immune system can take weeks or months to develop the anti-bodies that show a child is HIV positive.

Around one-third of child rape victims are raped by a close relative – an uncle, brother, or their father.
A woman in South Africa is eight times more likely to be raped than in the UK.
The South African Department of Justice reports that one in four women suffer violence in the home.
Lessons on domestic violence are given in primary schools.

It is estimated around 200,000 children are raped every year in South Africa.
In Port Elizabeth, the country’s fifth largest city, it’s estimated that 12 children are raped every day.
Of the cases of sexual abuse Port Elizabeth Childline dealt with in 2009, 80 per cent involved children under thirteen.
Less than one in a hundred rapes end in a successful prosecution, but for that process even to begin social workers have to be involved.

Eight million people in South Africa live in so-called ‘informal settlements’ with no electricity, no running water and no toilet facilities.

The government don’t help these children and their families,
Social services lack resources, the courts dish out soft sentences to the rapists, and the police are bloody useless.

California Is A Great Place

My mate wrote to his girlfriend everyday, now she’s getting married to the postman.

Nothing annoys women so much as to have someone carry on talking when they’re interrupting.

I am not a dog lover, except when they win.

Times are hard – my wife is having to spend most of her housekeeping on housekeeping.

Some women are expert housekeepers.
Every time they get divorced they keep the house.

I’m now at the age where I’ve got to prove that I’m just as good as I never was.

In this world it’s not what you know, it’s who you know,
And I don’t know either of them.

One good turn gets most of the blanket.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Monogamy is the same thing.

When I was born I was so surprised I couldn’t talk for a year.

Somebody’s boring me – I think it’s me.

I can’t understand why more people aren’t bi-sexual.
It would double your chance for a date.

California is a great place –
If you happen to be an orange.

A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can’t help himself.

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal of fattening.

I’ve turned my life around.
I used to be depressed and miserable.
Now I’m miserable and depressed.

I went on a diet,
I stopped drinking and heavy eating,
And in fourteen days I lost two weeks.

If you fall down and break your leg,
Don’t come running to me.

When I want a good reputation,
I shall buy one like an honest man.

Be unselfish – give up what you don’t want.

Don’t bother to think ahead.
Tomorrow will soon be yesterday.

An egoist is a person of low taste,
More interested in himself than in me.

I don’t like reading because it takes my mind off myself.

It is always the best policy to tell the truth,
Unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.

I find it easy to diet –
I just eat what I can afford.

Do unto others as they would do unto you,
Only do it first.

I was always taught to respect my elders.
I’ve finally reached the age when I don’t have to respect anybody.

What’s Done To Children, They Will Do To Society

Children are not things to be moulded,
But are people to be unfolded.

The best things you can give children, next to good habits, are good memories.

A child is not a vase to be filled,
But a fire to be lit.

It is as cruel to bore a child as to beat him.

No one who has ever brought up a child can doubt for a moment that love is literally the life-giving fluid of human existence.

I do not love him because he is good,
But because he is my little child.

Children are always the only future the human race has.

The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want, and then advise them to do it.

A child, like your stomach, doesn’t need all you can afford to give it.

It is difficult to give children a sense of security unless you have it yourself.
If you have it, they catch it from you.

It is a grim old world, and I think one has need of children to keep one’s faith clear and one’s hope bright.
One cannot think too evilly of a world in which one’s sons and daughters are to live.
For their sake one must try not only to make it better but to think it good.

The greatest gifts you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.

A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms when his hands are empty.

What’s done to children, they will do to society.

I learnt two things as a child.
Firstly, not to sneeze when you’re hiding.
And never to smile when you’re fibbing.

Saffron – The World’s Most Expensive Spice

Saffron is the world’s most expensive spice and costs between £500 and £3000 per pound.
It is produced from fragile, crimson-coloured filaments hand-picked from tiny crocus sativus flowers that bloom for less than a month a year.
More than 100,000 of these are needed for one pound of the spice.
For thousands of years, it has been valued as an aphrodisiac, an anti-depressant and a remedy for a hangover.
Traders caught passing off ‘false saffron’ in medieval Germany were burnt at the stake.
Legend has it that during the reign of Edward III, a pilgrim brought a bulb of saffron from the middle east to the town of Chipping Walden.
Its sale as spice, medicine, dye, perfume and aphrodisiac brought prosperity to the town, which became Saffron Walden.
Spain supplies 70 per cent of the world’s saffron.

Recent studies in both Australia and Italy have found that when eaten, saffron may protect eyes from UV damage and slow down or even reverse age-related macular degeneration, the most common cause of blindness in old people.
The unique compounds found naturally in saffron include crocin and safranal.
They belong to a family called carotenoids, which includes betacarotene (a type of vitamin A).
Carotenoids give plants such as carrots or red peppers their colour.
Saffron gives chicken korma, pilau rice, risotto and paella their yellow colour.

A study in New Mexico found that crocin and safranal actively prevent cancer cells from dividing.
Research has found that saffron boosts immunity by helping white blood cells to mature, as well as increasing levels of enzymes that help the body break down toxins.
Studies show that these compounds play key roles in preserving eyesight, protecting against cancer and preventing Alzheimer’s.
Some countries are already using saffron for treating cancerous tumours, hoping to discover the ideal dosage.

Old Hands Made Young

Despite advances in cosmetic surgery, one area alone almost always betrays a woman’s age – her hands.
Prone to a veiny appearance with crepe-like wrinkles, the delicate area on the back of the hands can age badly because the skin is thin, with little subcutaneous fat.
Moisturisers are ineffective as they cannot penetrate the areas of the skin’s dermis where they are needed.
However, a new injectable rejuvenating treatment, dubbed the ‘handlift’ can leave the area plumped-up, smooth and elastic, taking a decade off a woman’s hands.
In under 20 minutes, the restylane vital treatment delivers injections in the back of the hands of tiny droplets of hyaluronic acid, a substance found naturally in the skin, giving it suppleness.
The injections cause water to bind the connective tissue more readily, plumping the skin in a natural way, adding both elasticity and firmness.
Traditionally cosmetic procedures on the hands have involved transplanting fat to the area but the resulting appearance tended to be thick and unnatural.

Rheumatoid Arthritis

There are around 350,000 rheumatoid arthritis sufferers in the UK.
An estimated 40,000 of those suffer so severely it affects their ability to work and can cause permanent deformity of the joints.
The progressively debilitating condition usually develops between the ages of 25 and 50 and it affects twice as many women as men.
Rheumatoid arthritis occurs when the body’s immune system attacks tissue around healthy joints, which swell and become painful.
Despite extensive study, doctors do not know why it happens, although genetics are thought to play a role.
It can occur in any joints, but particularly the fingers, hands and feet.
In severe cases it can also cause organ damage, affecting the lining of the heart and lungs.

A costly new drug to treat severe rheumatoid arthritis is now available on the NHS after the manufacturer agreed to pay for the first 12 weeks of treatment.
The first new drug for rheumatoid arthritis in more than a decade, cimzia is one of a class of drugs called anti-TNFs, which are highly effective in easing the pain and swelling caused by the disease.
But they are expensive, costing £10,000 to £15,000 a year, leading health chiefs to limit prescribing.

A Bride At Thirteen

Piano-pounding American rocker Jerry Lee Lewis caused uproar by marrying his 13 year-old cousin.
Lewis, born in Louisiana, was 23 when he married Myra Gail Brown in December 1957.
They both claimed she was 15, believing that was sufficiently mature.
But their secret was discovered ahead of Lewis’s British tour the following year, leading to cancelled concerts and a radio ban.
The scandal put the skids under Lewis’s career for a decade.
Myra divorced Lewis, who has wed six times in all, in 1970 amid claims of abuse.

Stillborn Babies

Women who get pregnant with IVF are four times more likely to have a stillborn baby than those who conceive naturally, scientists claim.
A study also found the ICSI technique, where sperm is injected straight into the egg, carries a higher risk of babies dying in the womb.
The reasons are not clear, but researchers in Denmark, fear the treatment itself may cause the deaths.

Shopping Addiction

Shopping addiction or oniomania is the compulsive desire to shop and generates short-lived satisfaction in the consumer.
It commonly derives from feelings of fear, depression, emotional emptiness, and low self-esteem.
It is estimated that more than 700,000 women in the UK have an addiction to shopping.
Figures released in 2008 revealed that the average consumer in the UK is £3,008 in personal debt compared to an average figure of £1,558 across the rest of the EU.
Total consumer credit lending on store cards to individuals at the end of November 2009 was £227 billion.