A Message From China

I hope you enjoyed the sight of that second-hand Bentley salesman on the steps of Downing Street.
I trust the sight of his over-smug, over-privileged face waltzing into No.10 to assume his birthright with his horsey wife (is she why he’s so keen on stable government?) has left your sphincter looser than Nick Clegg’s morals.

I pray you are proud of an election which has ushered in a modern way of running the country – having not one, but two Oxbridge-educated public-schoolboys in charge.
Well I’m with you in spirit, 6000 miles away in Shanghai, having done what certain Tory celebrities do when the enemy wins elections and fled the country.
(By the way, I think I passed Phil Collins and Jim Davidson coming back through Heathrow and I urge the new government to treat them the way they want to treat asylum-seekers, by tethering them to beds in floating prisons off the Outer Hebrides).

The Chinese have a saying: “May you live in interesting times”.
I too have a saying: “When the Tories are in power may you live abroad”.
Confucious has a saying which the Lib Dems should have heard before selling the country down the river: “Donkey’s lips do not fit on to a horse’s mouth”.

Why China? Well they still fly the red flag, everyone has a job, there are 1.4 billion people who’ve never heard of Katie Price and it reminds me a lot of Liverpool because the women walk around the streets in pyjamas.
And although the human rights record is appalling, I fear you’re going to see worse in the parts of Britain that didn’t vote for the Eton Mafia.
Also the only British telly is BBC world which will soon be closed when Rupert Murdoch demands pay-back for letting his newspapers become Tory propaganda sheets.

So enjoy Tory Britain.
When the riots come down your way and the looting starts, please save the last plasma screen TV for me.

(Brian Reade in China)