California Is A Great Place

My mate wrote to his girlfriend everyday, now she’s getting married to the postman.

Nothing annoys women so much as to have someone carry on talking when they’re interrupting.

I am not a dog lover, except when they win.

Times are hard – my wife is having to spend most of her housekeeping on housekeeping.

Some women are expert housekeepers.
Every time they get divorced they keep the house.

I’m now at the age where I’ve got to prove that I’m just as good as I never was.

In this world it’s not what you know, it’s who you know,
And I don’t know either of them.

One good turn gets most of the blanket.

Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Monogamy is the same thing.

When I was born I was so surprised I couldn’t talk for a year.

Somebody’s boring me – I think it’s me.

I can’t understand why more people aren’t bi-sexual.
It would double your chance for a date.

California is a great place –
If you happen to be an orange.

A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can’t help himself.

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal of fattening.

I’ve turned my life around.
I used to be depressed and miserable.
Now I’m miserable and depressed.

I went on a diet,
I stopped drinking and heavy eating,
And in fourteen days I lost two weeks.

If you fall down and break your leg,
Don’t come running to me.

When I want a good reputation,
I shall buy one like an honest man.

Be unselfish – give up what you don’t want.

Don’t bother to think ahead.
Tomorrow will soon be yesterday.

An egoist is a person of low taste,
More interested in himself than in me.

I don’t like reading because it takes my mind off myself.

It is always the best policy to tell the truth,
Unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.

I find it easy to diet –
I just eat what I can afford.

Do unto others as they would do unto you,
Only do it first.

I was always taught to respect my elders.
I’ve finally reached the age when I don’t have to respect anybody.