I Only Drink On Two Occasions

My sister-in-law had a big problem with my drinking –
I couldn’t keep up with her.

To an optimist, the glass is half full.
To a pessimist, the glass is half empty.
I just think it’s time to order another drink.

I only drink on two occasions –
When I’m thirsty and when I’m not.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

The first thing my mate does when he plans for the future is to buy two crates of beer.

I drink with the same friends every evening –
Jack Daniels, Ron Bacardi, Johnny Walker & Jamie Son.

If this beer had a head it would probably hang it in shame.

They Should Get Their Wine From The Supermarket

You can ruin your health by drinking to everyone else’s.

My mate’s wife doesn’t mind him drinking since the doctor told her it was killing him.

The Government Foreign Office fought like a tiger to prevent The Mail on Sunday newspaper from revealing what lies in its wine cellar.
And what a cellar it turns out to be, with luscious, dusty old bottles of port, claret and Burgundy set aside in special corners for the delight of approved top-grade politicians and their equally top-grade guests – few of whom could afford anything more splendid than the house red if they were paying for themselves.
Political office should not mean privilege.
They should sell the lot, and get their wine from the supermarket, like everyone else.
And perhaps they could use the money saved to rescue the Navy’s Harriers from the scrapheap.

No Drink For Me

I hearby promise by grace divine
To take no spirits, beer or wine.
Nor will I buy nor sell nor give
Strong drink to others while I live
And this my true resolve shall be
No drink, no drink, no drink for me.

The Pub

The Pub is a quaint old tradition
Where beer is dispensed with a smile
By barmaids with huge heaving bosoms
Who are chatted up once in a while.
It’s a place you can take all your problems
There’ll be someone there to lend you an ear
Who’ll be patient and most sympathetic
While you sit there and cry in your beer.
It’s a place often ringing with laughter
Where the news of the day is debated
Whether football, religion or politics
A friendly mood is created.

“I Like A Dirty Martini”

My mate’s on a whiskey diet.
He’s lost three days already.

I think I’m allergic to beer –
After 12 pints I fall over.

The telephone is a good way of talking to people without buying them a drink.

I was shocked to read thousands of 14 year-old girls are binge-drinking.
Who’s looking after their children?

Gwyneth Paltrow has admitted that she likes to drink alcohol “a lot”.
Asked if she drank regularly, the Oscar-winning actress said: “I like red wine, it’s my favourite, but I’ll drink white or rose.
Guinness is my favourite beer.
I like a dirty martini, vodka martini, but I’ll drink whatever”.

Cameron Poses With A Pint Of Guinness

A beer made in a garage by a retired road worker has won a prestigious prize.
Paul Smith beat 60 rivals in the contest run by the Campaign for Real Ale.
His brew is so popular it’s now stocked by pubs near his home in Gillingham, Dorset.

Alcohol makes a man mistake words for thoughts.

Our Prime Minister, Dave Cameron, posed with a pint of Guinness with his vanity photographer snapping away.
Dave the toff showed he’s no regular by sipping the Guinness before it settled.
Why does Cameron do it?
I suppose once a PR man, always a PR man.

I Always Know When I’ve Had Enough To Drink

People who don’t drink are afraid of revealing themselves.

When my mate’s not full of himself, he’s full of lager.

My dear, that’s why I drink, I like to see you looking your best.

My mate’s grandmother is 96 and still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks straight out of the bottle.

I know I said I was only going for one quick pint,
But I washed it down with five slow ones.

I always know when I’ve had enough to drink.
I start to fancy my sister-in-law.

My mate’s wife did try to share his interests once,
But after three pints she was on the floor.

The world’s first alcoholic drink to be made purely out of stinging nettles has been launched.
Cornish Stingers uses wild local nettles and brews in just seven days.
The 4% alcohol drink has a fresh, clean elderflower taste like a dry wine.

Real ale is shedding its image as an old man’s drink with 1.9 million drinkers now aged between 18 and 34.
Sales of real ales in 2009, given names such as Mighty Oak and Fat Cat, rose by 5% to take a £1.4 billion market share.

I only drink water, but I have to add whisky to kill all the bacteria.

Whisky Is Produced only in Scotland

Bourbon is a whiskey made in the United States (mainly Kentucky) and must contain a minimum of 51% mash produced from corn.
Whisky is produced only in Scotland, and is made primarily from barley and wheat, with a small amount of rye.
Whiskey (with the ‘E’) is produced in numerous countries but with the same ingredients.

Despite the belief that tequila is made mainly from cactus, its primary ingredient is sap from the spikey Blue Agave, a plant related to lilies, and typical of the Mexican desert.

Beer Is Good For You

Between 1999 and 2004 alcohol consumption fell by 6% in France and 8% in Germany.
In Britain it rose by 5%.

Ale drinkers can raise a pint to the experts who reckon that beer is one of the healthiest alcoholic tipples around –
When supped in moderation of course.
A Beer Academy spokeswoman said: “Beer contains vitamins, fibre and minerals which can help you to maintain a well-balanced, healthy diet”.

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

Beer! The cause and cure of all life’s problems.

Drinking Wine Could Make You Healthier

Drinking up to three glasses of wine a day could make you healthier.
Researchers found moderate boozers were in better shape than teetotallers as they were less stressed and had better social lives.
They also had lower heart risk and were not as heavy.
Boris Hansel, who led the study of 150,000 French people, said: “Moderate alcohol intake is a powerful marker of a higher social level and superior health”.