Our Body Should Last A Lifetime

Never tell a lie.. Unless lying is one of your strong points.

I went to a real nice family restaurant last week..
Every table had an argument going.

I had a wonderful idea this morning.. But I didn’t like it.

If I spoke my mind all the time.. I’d be in deep shit.

I woke up, got out of bed, and had a coffee..
I think that’s enough for one day.

I look back on my life and I’m extremely impressed that I’m still alive.

You call them swear words, I call them sentence enhancers.

My boss told me to have a good day.. So I went home.

I’m not lazy .. I just really enjoy doing nothing.

Life is short..
Smile while you still have teeth.

I can sum up everything I wish to say to you in just two words..
The second word is off.

You can always tell when some people are lying.. Their lips move.

Your car is German.. Your vodka is Russian.
Your pizza is Italian.. Your kebab is Turkish.
Your coffee is Brazilian.. Your movies are American.
Your tea is from India.. Your TV is from Japan.
Your oil is from Saudi Arabia.. Your iPad is from China.
And you complain about immigrants ?

A man asked a fairy to make him irresistible to all women.
The fairy turned him into a credit card.

Life is a gamble at terrible odds.. If it was a bet, you wouldn’t take it.

Anyone can get old.. All you have to do is live long enough.

I will never be over the hill..
I’m too damn tired to climb the hill.

It’s very rare, but, one of the blessings in life is to find someone who isn’t full of shit.

There’s always that one person who catches you doing something weird.

It’s not the minutes spent at the dinner table that put on weight – It’s the seconds.

I’m on a flexible diet.. I come off it at meal times.

You’re nobody till somebody loathes you.

I’m going to run away from home as soon as I get one.

Never before in my whole life have I met anyone with as many problems and bad luck as you have.
Your story has touched my heart.. Now piss off and stop bothering me.

A memorial service is a farewell party for someone who has already left.

Most people’s resolutions go in one year and out the other.

After three months trial at Kodak they released my mate, saying he had a negative approach and that they couldn’t see him developing any further.

I’ve seen an awful lot in my day..
Most of it on TV and the internet.

How do I feel when I get up in the morning ? .. Amazed.

The advantage of doing one’s praising for oneself is that one can lay it on so thick and exactly in the right places.

If at first you don’t succeed..
Have a massive tantrum, tell everyone to f++k off, and have a glass of cold beer.

Statistics can be used to support anything.. Especially statisticians.

I’ve been putting a lot of thought into it..
And I just don’t think being an adult is gonna work for me.

If you want to look young and thin.. Hang out with old, fat people.

When someone asks me what goes best with this particular wine..
I tell them, ‘Another glass’.

If anyone tells you that you drink too much, stop talking to them.

I’ve learned to use meditation and relaxation to handle stress.
Just kidding.. I’m on my second bottle of wine.

To make a long story short, yawn.

I started cooking with wine last night..
After six glasses, I forgot why I was in the kitchen.

Don’t let my facts get in the way of your ignorance.

If I’d known I was going to live this long..
I would have taken better care of myself.

Everyone says you should follow your dreams..
So I’m going back to bed.

Life is for living only when you can’t get to sleep.

With care our body should last a lifetime.

I Stay A Bit Overweight

As I sat drinking my wine, I said, “I love you.”
He asked, “Is that you or the wine talking ?”
I said, “That was me talking to the wine.”

They scoffed when I told them I’d one day learn the secret of invisibility..
If they could only see me now.

If a police officer asks you..
“Do you know why I pulled you over ?”
It’s not a good idea to answer..
“Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you.”

Give me a minute, I’m just checking my Give-A-Shit-Meter..
Nope, nothing.

When I’m mad, I am an evil bitch from hell..
And I can make you wish you never met me.
But when I’m happy, I bake cakes and other shit.

To save time, let’s just assume I am never wrong.

When a guy asks me if I can cook..
I ask him if he can build a house.

I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn’t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, and thin.

You’re the reason I get up in the morning..
Just kidding.. I have to pee.

With age comes wisdom and more sophisticated mischief.

I’ve been single for a while and I have to say, it’s going very well.
It’s working out.. I think I’m the one.

I am under no obligation to make any sense to anybody.

He has finally found his true love..
What a pity he cannot marry himself.

I love men.. Even though they’re lying, cheating scumbags.
( Gwyneth Paltrow )

I’ve learned so much from my mistakes..
I’m thinking of making a few more.

The supply of available curse words is very often insufficient to meet my demands.

We all get heavier as we get older because there’s a lot more information in our heads. So we are not fat.. We are just really intelligent and our head can’t hold any more so it starts filling up the rest of us.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
She gave me a hug.

Being good in bed means I’m propped up with pillows and my partner brings me breakfast.

If you want me just whistle..
You know how to whistle don’t you ?
Just put your lips together and blow.
( Lauren Bacall )

Some guys are dark and handsome.. When it’s dark, they’re handsome.

My idea of flirting is being as sarcastic as humanly possible..
And seeing if you can handle it.

Did you ever look at someone and just think ‘asshole’.

The older you get, the longer it takes you to get over a good time.

What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy ?
I don’t know and I don’t care.

You know you’re getting old when you have a party and the neighbours don’t realise.

The world’s shortest book.. ‘The Lawyers Code Of Ethics’.

I don’t argue.. I simply explain why I am right.

I know I said I wanted to lose weight.. But I’m hungry.
Chocolate understands.

A neighbour is someone who listens to you attentively… Through a wall.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you’ll die healthier.

If they don’t have chocolate in Heaven, I’m not going.

As you know, I never repeat gossip.
So listen very carefully, I’m only going to tell you this once..

If you think there’s good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

MONOPOLY is just a stupid game that teaches kids that having enough money means you can easily get out of jail.

I had plenty of exercise last week.. I was out seven nights running.

In my neighbour’s house, when there’s smoke, there’s dinner.

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

I get to sleep at night, and mornings are okay.
But I’m having trouble dropping off in the afternoon.

Sometimes to see the light.. You just have to open the fridge door.

They say everyone has a double somewhere in the world..
I’m just counting my blessings I wasn’t yours.

The key to happiness ?.. Stay well away from assholes.

Why can’t you just for once agree with me and admit I’m right ?
Don’t be silly.. If I agreed with you that would make us both wrong.

After everything I’ve been through I am still smiling..
Not because I’m strong but because I’m crazy.

I know you’re an asshole.. It’s one of your best qualities.

If Facebook ever shuts down..
You will meet people in the street that shove pictures in your face..
Shouting, “Do you like this ? Do you ?”

Boys make good pets.. Every girl should have one.

All I Need Now Is Money

People say I am crazy, but crazy is running into walls..
And I stopped doing that last week.

I would like to apologise to anyone I have not yet offended.
Please be patient.. I will get to you shortly.

I would leave the house more often if there weren’t so many idiots everywhere masquerading as humans.

I’m sorry if I sometimes come across as opinionated or crude..
That’s because I am opinionated and crude.

Idiots.. It isn’t that hard to spot them.
If they could fly, government offices would be airports.

I drank so much wine last night, when I walked across the dance floor to get another glass, I won the dance competition.

My Guardian Angel told me I will never go to hell because the devil has a restraining order against me.. I think my Guardian Angel drinks.

You know how they say the wisest people learn from the mistakes of others ?
I think I may be one of the others.

Lord, please give me patience..
Because if you give me strength, I may need bail money too.

I am currently unsupervised.
I know, it freaks me out too.
But the possibilities are endless.

When I get a headache and take an aspirin, I always keep away from children..
Just like it says on the bottle.

Some people need an attitude adjustment..
That’s why I always carry a club hammer.

I did a push-up today..
Well, actually I fell over and used my arms to get back up..
So, close enough.

A meal without wine is called breakfast.

If you think I talk too much, let me know..
We can talk about it.

They say money talks.. But mine just waves goodbye.

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand.
Now put it over your mouth.

I would agree with you.. But then we would both be wrong.

If I had a pound for every time I got my sums right..
I would have one pound twenty seven.
(George Osborne)

I’m either too tired to listen to all the crap and bull-shit.. Or too sober.

I hate when someone I know sees me at the supermarket and says, “Hey, what are you doing here ?”.. And I’m just like, “Oh, you know, still looking for that escaped tiger.”

If only we could drill a hole in the skull of some people to let the stupid out.

Just remember..
If we get caught, you are deaf and I don’t speak English.

Money can’t buy happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bus.

I’m not sure if I should go out and enjoy life..
Or stay at home and not be poor tomorrow.

I tried to log-in on my iPad..
Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don’t own an iPad..
Also, I’ve just finished the last of the wine.

If you should happen to see me talking to myself..
Don’t be alarmed, I’m just getting expert advice.

Well, another day has passed since I left school and started working..
And I still haven’t used Algebra once.

I like to drink wine from an extra large glass because it’s classier than drinking from the bottle.

I love everybody..
Some I love to be around.
Some I love to avoid.
And some I’d love to hit over the head with a brick.

Roses are red, so is my wine.. Refill my glass and I will be just fine.

My doctor asked me if any members of my family suffered from insanity.
I told him no, they all seem to enjoy it.

Someone else being crazy doesn’t bother me..
It’s being more crazy than me that bothers me.

If you find me offensive, then I suggest you stop finding me.

I’m not saying I hate you..
But I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

Instead of calling it the ‘John’, I call my bathroom the ‘Jim’..
That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.

I am not always sarcastic.. Sometimes I’m sleeping.

When I woke up this morning, I had no plans to be awesome..
But shit happens.

I never make the same mistake twice..
I make it six or seven times.. Just to be sure.

I told you I will be ready in five minutes..
Please stop calling me every half hour.

I’m just one step away from being rich..
All I need now is money.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply hadn’t found out where to go shopping.

If people decide to be an asshole, that’s ok, it’s a free country.
Millions before them have made the same decision.

I sometimes feel ashamed about all the beer I drink.
Then I think about the workers in the brewery and about their hopes and dreams.

You Can’t Fix Stupid

I want to be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now.

I hate mornings.. It takes me three days to wake up.

That scary moment when your cat comes in the room..
Stares at something you can’t see.. And then runs away in a panic.

I know the precise psychological moment when to say nothing.

People who complain about paying their income tax can be divided into two types..
Men and women.

I’ve been shopping all my life and still have nothing to wear.

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the Ark wasn’t leaving till six.
Yours sincerely,
The Unicorns 

Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.

If I’m ever lucky enough to have an out-of-body experience..
There’s no way in hell I’m coming back to this one.

I’m an expert at sleeping..
I can do it with my eyes closed.

I always come out in a rash when I get paid.
My boss asked “Why ?”
I told him I’m allergic to peanuts.

It’s been ‘One of those days’..
For like, two years now.

Never trust an atom.. They make up everything.

I’m not lazy..
I’m just on energy saving mode.

I’m having friends over later to stare at their mobile phones.

You can’t fix stupid.. But you can sedate it.

Last week I threw a boomerang at a ghost..
I knew it would come back to haunt me.

Due to the confidentiality of my job.. I don’t know what I’m doing.

Exercise ? .. I tried it once.
My face was flushed, I was sweaty, my heart was racing, I was short of breath.
Far too dangerous.

When will the pharmaceutical industry invent a vaccine for ‘stupid’ ?

You will have to wait your turn..
I’m not quite finished upsetting this person yet.

I tell my children that the candy in the checkout lane is dog food.

I haven’t lost my mind..
Half of it wandered off, and the other half went looking for it.

My job interview went well.. I think when I cried it helped.

Ever had one of those days when you should have skipped coffee and gone straight for the wine ?

Karma is just sharpening her knives and finishing her glass of wine.
She will be with you shortly.

I will try anything once.. Twice if I like it.

Crying about your broken heart won’t help..
Cut off his balls, set his house on fire, and move on like an adult.

If you can’t be a good example.. Be a warning.

I told my solicitor I was down to my last 50 quid and asked if he could answer two questions for that amount.. “Certainly”, he said, “What’s the second question ?”

Tossing and turning in bed is my idea of exercise.

I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you were an expert on my life..
Wait a sec while I get a pen and paper to take notes.

I’m so mysterious, not even I know what I’m doing.

Out of all the lies I’ve told.. “Just Kidding” is my favourite.

I’ve devised a great labour-saving device..
It’s called tomorrow.

I’m making changes in my life..
So if you don’t hear from me, then you know you are one of them.

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and it walks right past you.

Always be positive..
If you accidently fall down the stairs..
Just get up and say to yourself, “Shit, I got down those stairs fast.”

I’ve been making the same mistakes in life for so long now, I call them traditions.

I’m not crazy, I’m just special..
No, wait a minute..
Maybe I am crazy..
Hold on a sec, I need to talk to myself about this..

If one door closes and another opens.. Your house is probably haunted.

The officer said, “You drinking ?”
I said, “You buying ?”
We just laughed and laughed…
I need bail money.

He who tickles himself can be happy whenever he wants.

I love my work.. I can sit and look at it for hours.

If you fall, I’ll be there.
( The Floor )

My Goal For This Weekend

Does anyone have plans to go somewhere exciting to stare at their phone this weekend ?

Just because I swear doesn’t mean I don’t have manners.
I always say please when I tell someone to f**k off.

I don’t like to be mean..
Hold on a second.. Yes, I do.

If you’re not going out tonight, dad, can I borrow your money ?

I might look like I’m doing nothing..
But in my head I am very busy.

Sometimes I wish I was a nicer, more agreeable person..
And then I just smile and carry on as I am.

My bank balance is a constant reminder that I’m safe from identity theft.

Ignorance can be educated.. Crazy can be medicated..
But there is no cure for stupid.

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

For the first time in a while I feel really happy..
Then I realised.. I’m drunk.

Do geologists know if a type of rock exists from under which Katie Hopkins would not be able to crawl ?
(Brian Reade, 26.07.2014)

This whole getting older and being responsible shit is getting in the way of my fun.

Yes, it is possible for me to behave..
I just don’t want to.

In my defence.. The moon was full and I was left unsupervised.

I’m sorry.. I didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look..
I thought you were just ugly like that all the time.

Some people just need a hug.. Around the neck.. With a rope.

Perhaps if we tell people the brain is an ‘App’, they might start using it more.

I want to be a nice person, but so many people annoy me.

You don’t like me ?
Hold on a minute while I think of all the shits I don’t give.

Do I get bonus points if I act like I care ?

Dear Lord.. Please give me coffee to change..
And wine to accept the things that I can’t.

I’m sorry.. My fault.. I forgot you were an idiot.

I’m not saying you’re stupid..
I’m just saying you sometimes have bad luck when it comes to thinking.

Damn right I’m good in bed.. I can sleep for days.

I used to work as a waitress..
The pay wasn’t great but at least I put food on the table.

I tried sniffing coke once.. But the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I didn’t make any New Year resolutions..
No one likes a skinny, sober bitch anyway.

When I’m feeling mischievous..
I go to furniture stores and ask for a decaffeinated coffee table.

I’m not always a bitch.. Just kidding, I always am.

I only drink champagne on two occasions..
When I’m in love.. And when I’m not.
(Coco Chanel)

I’m sorry that I offended you when I called you stupid..
I honestly thought you knew.

The backsides of many must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of their mouth.

I love my relationship with my bed..
We sleep together every night.

My goal for this weekend is to move just enough each day so no one thinks I am dead.

I tried my best to see things from your point of view..
But your point of view is stupid.

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

I am a Ninja ..
No you’re not..
Did you see me do that ?
Do what ?
Exactly !

If anything you read on this website offends you..
Blame your parents.. Because they raised a pussy.

My imaginary friend thinks I have serious mental problems.

When I’m mad.. I either cry, or I turn into a psychopath.
There is no in-between.

I tried to be normal once.. But after three minutes I gave up.

When I was at school, I was misbehaving a bit and my teacher stuck a wooden ruler under my chin and said, “At the end of this ruler is an idiot.” .. I got detention for asking “Which end ?”

I don’t have any bad habits.. I’m good at all of them.

Clearly, I am no match for your level of ignorance.

I need a six-month holiday, twice a year.

Those are my principles.. If you don’t like them I have others.

A good start to the day is when you have me for breakfast.

I believe my house is haunted.. Every time I look in the mirror, a crazy lady stands in front of me and blocks my reflection.