Words Can’t Hurt You

I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way.

If you receive an email telling you not to eat tinned pork, don’t open it.
It might be spam.

I may not know much about golf, but I know how to hold the bat.
(Johnny English)

My mate doesn’t have a bank account because he doesn’t know his mother’s maiden name.

What I’m looking for is a blessing that’s not in disguise.

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.

I used to be middle-aged, now I’m muddle-aged.

I’ve never had amnesia, not that I can remember anyway.

My dear, you must come again when you have less time.

My mate went for a job last week but failed something called an aptitude test.
When I was at school they didn’t even teach aptitude.

I’ve seen the future.. And I’ve turned it off.

When my mate was a kid his dad got a puppy for him.
Everyone said it was a fair trade.

I never panic when I get lost.. I just change where it is I want to go.

We can’t all be heroes..
Someone has to sit on the kerb and clap as they go by.

I know I’m crazy.. Normal people scare the crap out of me.

My toaster has two settings – Too soon and too late.

One day I intend to be that little old person in the nursing home that leads the rebellion and puts vodka in the cups of tea.

I’m going to succeed because I’m crazy enough to think I can.

Yes, I sing out loud in my car.
Yes, I see you staring at me.
No, I don’t give a shit.

Some people are very particular about their food.. There has to be lots of it.

If you have crazy friends.. You have everything.

If you see me smiling, it’s because I’m thinking of doing something evil.
If you see me laughing, it’s because I’ve already done it.

My mum told me to follow my dream.. So I followed this beautiful girl.

Words can’t hurt you.. Unless of course someone hits you over the head with a dictionary.

I have decided to leave my past behind me.
So if I owe you any money, I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on.

A hug or a cuddle is a great gift.. One size fits all, and it’s easy to exchange.

My mate fell off a 50ft ladder.. Luckily, he was on the bottom rung.

I have never had premonitions.. But I think that one day I might.

Some days I am just one idiot away from a nervous breakdown.

Have you ever just looked at someone and thought.. ‘Seriously ?’

One day I will solve my problems with maturity..
But today, however, it will be with alcohol.

I need to get on medication so I can slap stupid people and blame it on the side affects.

Middle age is the time of life when you finally get your head together..
Then your body starts to fall apart.

There’s no excuse for laziness.. But if you know one, let me know.

Everything happens for a reason..
Sometimes the reason is simply because you are an idiot and make the wrong decision.

What do you do when you don’t know what to do anymore ?

If you choke to death on a piece of meat..
That is natural selection.

Duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.

Don’t make excuses for nasty people..
You can’t put a flower in an asshole and call it a vase.

Not only does my mind wander, sometimes it walks off completely.

I would like to take this opportunity to apologise to..
Absolutely no one.

I hate anyone or anything that disagrees with my mental disorders.

What’s my favourite childhood memory ?
Not having to pay bills.

Whoever thinks money doesn’t bring happiness, transfer it to my account.

Someone told me that I drive everyone crazy.. That’s not true..
They arrive there all on their own.. I just give them directions.

Being poor is when you have too much month at the end of your money.

Do I really have to go to work ?
I would much rather stay home, look like shit, and do nothing.

When the going gets tough.. Take a break.

My three moods..
I’m too old for this shit.
I’m too tired for this shit.
I don’t have time for this shit.

The World Ended Yesterday

Every government carries a health warning.

Children.. It’s called ‘reading’..
It’s how people install new software into their brains.

The future is not what it was.

A pessimist is a man who is never happy unless he is miserable..
Even then he is not pleased.

Some people just need a high-five.. In the face.. With a brick.

I don’t need a sign that says, ‘Do not disturb’..
I need one that says, ‘Already disturbed’.

Whatever you do always give 100% .. Unless you’re donating blood.

Home is where the heart is..
But more importantly, where the television is.

I’m over the hill, but nobody prepared me for what was going to be on the other side.

Laughing is the best medicine..
Unless you are laughing for no reason..
Then you need medicine.

I recently ended a long-term relationship.. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.

Every box of raisins is a tragic story of grapes that could have been wine.

When a woman says, “Do whatever you want”..
Do not do whatever you want.

A real pessimist is someone who can look at a doughnut and only see the hole in it.

I’m not an alcoholic, I just have a lot of reasons to celebrate.

Dear Lord.. Please cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again.
Please also forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.

If it’s the thought that counts.. I should probably be in jail.

Me ? Crazy ?.. I should get down off my unicorn and give you a slap.

Horsepower was wonderful when only horses had it.

Medicinal discovery, it moves in mighty leaps..
It leapt straight past the common cold, and gave it us for keeps.

My laptop is fitted with a special breathalyser so I can’t post anything on Twitter after four bottles of wine.

London is a splendid place to live in for those who can get out of it.

Someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster..
So now I have to sit here until one of us is dead.

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices.. Take it or leave it.

So many Conservatives are in in Hell now, they’re trying to privatise the place.

Don’t like me ? ..
Have a seat with the rest of the morons waiting for me to give a shit.

Some people don’t know what they want and won’t be happy till they get it.

I started a new exercise routine..
Every day I do diddly-squats.

Only good girls keep diaries.. Bad girls don’t have the time.

I’m as young as I ever was, but not quite so often.

Guess what happens after you are offended ?
That’s right, nothing.
So grow up, be an adult, and move on.

If the people in horror movies listened to me shouting at them, they would still be alive.

The world ended yesterday.. Today is an action replay.

When you buy something for a song..
You may have to face the music later on.

If pollution is uncontrolled.. The muck shall inherit the Earth.

I have a date tonight with my bed.
We are going to sleep together.

Never go to bed angry..
Stay up and plot your revenge.

The success of a family get-together doesn’t depend on what you can discuss, but who.

When I say ‘I cleaned my room’..
I usually mean I made a path from the door to my bed.

Every man is a hero in his own home.. Until the company leaves.

Constantly being told that the world doesn’t revolve around me..
I know it doesn’t, stupid, it revolves around the sun, which shines out of my ass.

A woman’s idea of a bore is a bloke who prefers his own company.

Carrots may be good for your eyes..
But alcohol gives you double vision.

The reason I work so hard is because millions of people on benefits depend on me.

I Always Give 100 Per Cent

Just when you learn to make the most of it.. Most of it is gone.

Some people need to wipe their mouth..
There’s still bits of bull-shit on their lips.

Drinking three or four glasses of wine each day can reduce the risk of giving a shit.

Be an extrovert, the country needs more verts.

Next year we are celebrating two years of happy marriage..
We’ve been married for 12.
( Lee Mack )

Telling a drunk woman to calm down has the same effect as baptising a cat.

No matter what happens, there’s always somebody who knew it would.

I am not an early bird or a night owl..
I am a permanently exhausted pigeon.

Whenever I’m caught between two evils, I take the one I’ve never tried.

They say hard work never hurt anyone.. But why take the chance ?

When I wake up, I don’t feel my age.
In fact, I don’t feel anything until noon.. Then it’s time for my nap.

Why do I drink ?.. It’s makes other people look more interesting.

If you are not part of the solution then you are part of the problem.

When you really want to slap someone..
Do it, and shout, “Mosquito !”

Everything was so different before it all changed.

I have no talent but I am modest about it.

Arguing with idiots.. It’s like playing chess with a pigeon.. No matter how good you are at chess, the pigeon is just going to knock over the pieces, shit on the board, and strut around like it’s victorious.

No man goes before his time.. Unless, of course, the boss leaves early.

Wine ? .. How classy people get wasted.

The best thing to do with a wet blanket is to let the drip dry.

People think I’m mad because I talk to dogs.
What am I supposed to do when they keep asking me questions ?

Whenever there’s a will, you’ll see an heir loom.

An unwelcome guest is one of the best things going.

Should you feel we have failed you in any way..
We will be only too pleased to do it again at no extra charge.

Some people should be taken in very small doses.

Man who cooks greens and peas in same pot is not very sanitary.

I always give 100% at work..
12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and 5% on Friday.

Who left the bag of idiots open ?

You need an attitude adjustment..
Let me get my hammer.

I was all set to take over the world this morning.
But I overslept.

The best stories come out after the third or fourth glass of wine.

My mate packed his taxi job in after 22 years..
He was sick of people talking behind his back.

When someone told me I lived in a fantasy world, I nearly fell off my unicorn.

I always dreamed of becoming a milkman as a lad..
But it turned out I didn’t have the bottle.

Sarcasm ? .. I put that shit on everything.

I’m not fat .. I’m just easy to see.

At the fish and chip shop I asked for a portion of chips.
The assistant said, “60 or 95”.
I replied, “If you’re going to count them, I’ll just have fish.”

I can look directly at someone, nod when they’re talking, and throw in the occasional ‘yeah’, and still not hear a word they say.

A man in a restaurant gets hit on the back of the head with a prawn cocktail.
He looks round and a bloke says, “And that’s just for starters.”

I’ve had a wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

Yes, I do have a retirement plan.
I plan on drinking more wine.

I didn’t start trouble.. It was there when I arrived.

The departure of the wise men from the east seems to have been on a more extensive scale than is generally supposed, for no one of that description seems to have been left behind.

I would enjoy the day more if it started later.

Never eat more than you can lift.
( Miss Piggy )

Formula For Success

The best number for a dinner party is two.. Myself and a damn good waiter.

You are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.

Being complimented sometimes embarrasses me..
I always feel they haven’t quite said enough.

Sometimes all you need is a couple of million dollars.

The thing I like about women is their loyalty..
When a women reaches an age she likes, she sticks with it.

Social tact is making your company feel at home.. Even though you wish they were.

I lose track of the times I want to say to someone, ‘You can’t be that f**k**g stupid’.

My duty is a thing I never do, on principle.

I’m pretty sure I was supposed to be a princess..
No, seriously.. Someone better fix this shit.

The fact that there’s a ‘Highway to Hell’ and only a ‘Stairway to Heaven’, says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Once in a while, in the middle of an ordinary life, you meet someone special and fall in love.. 
For the rest of us there is simply alcohol.

An optimist is someone who thinks the future is uncertain.

What happens if you smoke weed in a Muslim country ?
You get stoned twice.

A hypochondriac is someone who enjoys bad health.

We are getting stronger.
Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry twenty pounds worth of groceries.
Today, a five year-old can do it.

Seven course Irish meal .. 6 pints and a potato.

I’ve lost my mind.
if you find it, don’t bother to return it.
It’s not working properly, anyway.

Modesty is the art of encouraging people to find out for themselves how wonderful you are.

Don’t get annoyed if your neighbour plays his music at two o’clock in the morning.
Call him at four and tell him how much you enjoyed it.

How many people work in our office ? .. About half of them.

My mate has two jobs..
A job to get off the sofa, and a job to stay awake.

Nothing is more irritating than not being invited to a party you wouldn’t be seen dead at.

Don’t for one second think that I will be affected by you calling me a bitch..
Flattery will get you nowhere with me.

One advantage of sleepwalking.. You get rest and exercise at the same time.

Whenever it rains my girlfriend just stands at the window looking sad.
Sometimes I let her in.

I’m amazed by how much time and energy it takes to get almost nothing done.

When a fellow is kicking.. He has only one leg to stand on.

Dance like no one is watching, because they’re not.
They’re checking their phones.

I didn’t trip.. The floor looked unhappy and sad, so I thought it needed a hug.

I’m not confused.. I’m just well stirred, well mixed.

That whole ‘No Rest For The Wicked’ thing is bull-shit..
I take a lot of naps.

One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.

Formula for success.. Rise early, work late, win the lottery.

Better days are just around the corner..
They are called Saturday and Sunday.

My life would be so much easier if I wasn’t intelligent enough to realise how stupid some people are.

Middle age is when your knees buckle and your belt doesn’t.

I never tell anyone how old I am.
When you get to my age, actions creak louder than words.

Today, it isn’t facing the music that hurts.. It’s listening to it.

My mate likes to remain anonymous when donating money to charity, so he doesn’t sign the cheque.

Men cheat because men are assholes..
Women cheat because men are assholes.

My brother-in-law is so sneaky he can follow someone into a revolving door and come out ahead of them.

Friday is my second favourite F word.

California Is A Great Place

My mate wrote to his girlfriend everyday, now she’s getting married to the postman.

Some women are expert housekeepers..
Every time they get divorced they keep the house.

I’m now at the age where I’ve got to prove that I’m just as good as I never was.

In this world it’s not what you know, it’s who you know..
And I don’t know either of them.

The older I get, the more everyone can kiss my ass.

I was born in very sorry circumstances..
Both my parents were very sorry.
(Sir Norman Wisdom)

One good turn gets most of the blanket.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness..
The same hand that feeds you can easily choke you.

When I was born I was so surprised I couldn’t talk for a year.

Somebody’s boring me.. I think it’s me.

I can’t understand why more people aren’t bi-sexual.
It would double your chance for a date.

California is a great place.. If you happen to be an orange.

For the last time, I didn’t text you..
It was the wine.

A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can’t help himself.

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal of fattening.

I’ve turned my life around..
I used to be depressed and miserable.. Now I’m miserable and depressed.

I went on a diet..
I stopped drinking and heavy eating.. And in fourteen days I lost two weeks.

If you fall down and break your leg.. Don’t come running to me.

Camping.. When you spend a fortune to live like a homeless person.

When I want a good reputation.. I shall buy one like an honest man.

Be unselfish.. Give up what you don’t want.

I’ve got rid of all the unhealthy food from our house..
It was delicious.

Don’t bother to think ahead.. Tomorrow will soon be yesterday.

An egoist is a person of low taste.. More interested in himself than in me.

I don’t like reading because it takes my mind off myself.

It is always the best policy to tell the truth..
Unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.

I find it easy to diet.. I just eat what I can afford.

I drink coffee because I need it..
And wine because I deserve it.

Do unto others as they would do unto you.. Only do it first.

I was always taught to respect my elders.
I’ve finally reached the age when I don’t have to respect anybody.

My favourite thing about winter ?
When it’s bloody over !

Is there life after death ?
Hurt my child and you will soon find out !

I know the voices in my head aren’t real..
But sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome.

I don’t just talk to myself, I get in a debate, lose..
And then refuse to speak to myself for the rest of the day.

Dear Karma, I have compiled a long list of people you missed.

I am not moody.. I simply have days when I am less inclined to put up with bull-shit and crap and nonsense.

Eat whatever you want..
And if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight, eat them too.

I thought myself a bum and had my reasons..
The main reason being that I behaved like a bum.

Thank heavens, the sun has gone in, and I don’t have to go out and enjoy it.

Never work before breakfast.
If you have to work before breakfast, eat your breakfast first.

If you think I talk too much, let me know..
We can talk about it.

They say money talks.. But mine just waves goodbye.

I’m either too tired to listen to all the crap and bull-shit.. Or too sober.