I Never Drink Unless I’m Alone Or With Somebody

There must be female hormones in beer.
After ten pints I can’t drive and I speak a load of nonsense.

Why is a Tory supporter like a beer bottle?
They’re both empty from the neck up.

I drink to make other people interesting.
(Groucho Marx)

A motorcycle cop pulled over my mate.
“Have you been drinking, sir?” said the cop.
“Why?” said my mate. “Is there a fat bird in my car?”

I call my sister-in-law the Exorcist.
Every time she visits she rids the house of spirits.

A policeman stopped my mate and gave him a breathalyser test.
“I’m sorry, sir”, said the policeman. “But this bag tells me you’ve been drinking too much”.
“What a coincidence”, my mate said. “I’ve got a bag at home that does the exact same thing”.

I drink to steady my nerves.
Last night I got so steady I couldn’t move.