My Goal For This Weekend

Does anyone have plans to go somewhere exciting to stare at their phone this weekend ?

Just because I swear doesn’t mean I don’t have manners.
I always say please when I tell someone to f**k off.

I don’t like to be mean..
Hold on a second.. Yes, I do.

If you’re not going out tonight, dad, can I borrow your money ?

I might look like I’m doing nothing..
But in my head I am very busy.

Sometimes I wish I was a nicer, more agreeable person..
And then I just smile and carry on as I am.

My bank balance is a constant reminder that I’m safe from identity theft.

Ignorance can be educated.. Crazy can be medicated..
But there is no cure for stupid.

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

For the first time in a while I feel really happy..
Then I realised.. I’m drunk.

Do geologists know if a type of rock exists from under which Katie Hopkins would not be able to crawl ?
(Brian Reade, 26.07.2014)

This whole getting older and being responsible shit is getting in the way of my fun.

Yes, it is possible for me to behave..
I just don’t want to.

In my defence.. The moon was full and I was left unsupervised.

I’m sorry.. I didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look..
I thought you were just ugly like that all the time.

Some people just need a hug.. Around the neck.. With a rope.

Perhaps if we tell people the brain is an ‘App’, they might start using it more.

I want to be a nice person, but so many people annoy me.

You don’t like me ?
Hold on a minute while I think of all the shits I don’t give.

Do I get bonus points if I act like I care ?

Dear Lord.. Please give me coffee to change..
And wine to accept the things that I can’t.

I’m sorry.. My fault.. I forgot you were an idiot.

I’m not saying you’re stupid..
I’m just saying you sometimes have bad luck when it comes to thinking.

Damn right I’m good in bed.. I can sleep for days.

I used to work as a waitress..
The pay wasn’t great but at least I put food on the table.

I tried sniffing coke once.. But the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I didn’t make any New Year resolutions..
No one likes a skinny, sober bitch anyway.

When I’m feeling mischievous..
I go to furniture stores and ask for a decaffeinated coffee table.

I’m not always a bitch.. Just kidding, I always am.

I only drink champagne on two occasions..
When I’m in love.. And when I’m not.
(Coco Chanel)

I’m sorry that I offended you when I called you stupid..
I honestly thought you knew.

The backsides of many must get jealous of all the shit that comes out of their mouth.

I love my relationship with my bed..
We sleep together every night.

My goal for this weekend is to move just enough each day so no one thinks I am dead.

I tried my best to see things from your point of view..
But your point of view is stupid.

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

I am a Ninja ..
No you’re not..
Did you see me do that ?
Do what ?
Exactly !

If anything you read on this website offends you..
Blame your parents.. Because they raised a pussy.

My imaginary friend thinks I have serious mental problems.

When I’m mad.. I either cry, or I turn into a psychopath.
There is no in-between.

I tried to be normal once.. But after three minutes I gave up.

When I was at school, I was misbehaving a bit and my teacher stuck a wooden ruler under my chin and said, “At the end of this ruler is an idiot.” .. I got detention for asking “Which end ?”

I don’t have any bad habits.. I’m good at all of them.

Clearly, I am no match for your level of ignorance.

I need a six-month holiday, twice a year.

Those are my principles.. If you don’t like them I have others.

A good start to the day is when you have me for breakfast.

I believe my house is haunted.. Every time I look in the mirror, a crazy lady stands in front of me and blocks my reflection.

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