My Mate Is Bi-Sexual

There’s more to living than sex, but it’s way ahead of whatevers in second place.

Some people have sex on the brain, which is not the most satisfactory place for it.

Last night was violent, unbridled, fanatical sex, until we turned off the telly and went to bed.

Masturbation is having sex with someone you love.

The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water.
Not before or after, but instead.

The nearest my mate’s been to a sexual experience lately is finding lipstick on a café cup.

There was a young fellow called Andy,
Went into a pub for a shandy.
He used his loincloth to wipe the froth off,
And the barmaid said, “Blimey, that’s Andy”.

There is no escape from a hungry tiger or an affectionate woman.

It doesn’t matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don’t do it in the street and frighten the children, traffic wardens and Welsh people.

If you lay with a dog, don’t be surprised if you get fleas.

When it comes to sex, my sister-in-law has been around.
Well, not exactly around but nearby.

I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember her name, how you met, or why she’s dead!

My mate was seeing the girl across the road,
But he said she draws her curtains now.

My mate is dating a homeless woman.
He says it’s easier to talk her into staying the night.

A woman in the pub last night asked me if I wanted to sleep with her for £30.
I told her I’m not really tired but I could do with the money.

My mate’s having sex with a pair of twins.
I asked him, “How do you tell them apart?”
He said, “It’s easy, Linda’s got long blonde hair and Colin’s got a moustache”.

My mate is bi-sexual.
The only thing a girl ever says to him after sex is ‘bye’.

My mate tried some of that aphrodisiac Rhino Horn and it’s started to work.
He says he finds rhinos extremely attractive.

A three-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
“Mum”, he asked, “Are these my brains?”
His mother replied, “not yet son”.

I used to enjoy sex every night, then the television broke down.

When you have been long married, sex is just another reason to take your pants off.

When a man loves a woman, he shouldn’t spend his whole life with her.
He should spend half an hour.

Never lay down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

I can’t understand why more people aren’t bi-sexual.
It would double your chances for a date on Saturday night.