My Old Mate’s Wife

My mate said now his wife has a microwave oven she can ruin a meal in 5 minutes.

My mate told me that his wife talks through her nose.
He says she has to, because her mouth is worn out.

My mate says he doesn’t talk in his sleep.
If he does, his wife only interrupts in hers.

My mate says when it comes to preaching economy to his wife, you may as well start by saving your breath.

My mate told his wife to surprise him on his birthday.
She bought herself a fur coat.

My mate bought a book called ‘how to conquer laziness’.
He got his wife to read it to him.

My mate told me his wife had a nose-bleed,
so he applied a tourniquet to her neck.

My mate said he and his wife could settle most of their troubles by discussion if only he could get her to stop talking.

My mate told me he’s working on an attachment for his wife.
It fits over her mouth.

My mate said his wife is a wonderful cook.
Pygmies travel all the way from Africa just to dip their arrows in her soup.

My mate told me that his wife never wears lipstick.
She can’t keep her mouth still long enough to put it on.

My mate’s mother-in-law broke up his marriage.
His wife came home from work early and found him in bed with her.