The World Ended Yesterday

Every government carries a health warning.

Children, it’s called ‘reading’.
It’s how people install new software into their brains.

The future is not what it was.

A pessimist is a man who is never happy unless he is miserable.
Even then he is not pleased.

Some people just need a high-five.
In the face.
With a brick.

I don’t need a sign that says, ‘Do not disturb’.
I need one that says, ‘Already disturbed’.

Whatever you do always give 100%.
Unless you’re donating blood.

Home is where the heart is.
But more importantly, where the television is.

I’m over the hill, but nobody prepared me for what was going to be on the other side.

Laughing is the best medicine.
Unless you are laughing for no reason.
Then you need medicine.

I recently ended a long-term relationship.
Luckily it wasn’t mine.

I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.

Police officer: You were driving too fast.
Me: I was just trying to keep up with the traffic.
Police Officer: There isn’t any traffic.
Me: I know. That’s how far behind I am.

Every box of raisins is a tragic story of grapes that could have been wine.

When a woman says, “Do whatever you want”.
Do not do whatever you want.

I’m really good at keeping secrets.
After two minutes I forget what was told me.
Because I don’t give a shit.

A real pessimist is someone who can look at a doughnut and only see the hole in it.

I’m not an alcoholic.
I just have a lot of reasons to celebrate.

Dear Lord.
Please cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again.
Please also forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.

If it’s the thought that counts, I should probably be in jail.

Me?
Crazy?
I should get down off my unicorn and give you a slap.

Horsepower was wonderful when only horses had it.

Medicinal discovery, it moves in mighty leaps.
It leapt straight past the common cold, and gave it us for keeps.

My laptop is fitted with a special breathalyser so I can’t post anything on Social Media after four bottles of wine.

London is a splendid place to live in for those who can get out of it.

Someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster.
So now I have to sit here until one of us is dead.

As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices.
Take it or leave it.

So many Conservatives are in in Hell now, they’re trying to privatise the place.

Don’t like me? 
Have a seat with the rest of the morons waiting for me to give a shit.

Some people don’t know what they want and won’t be happy till they get it.

I started a new exercise routine.
Every day I do diddly-squats.

Only good girls keep diaries.
Bad girls don’t have the time.

I’m as young as I ever was, but not quite so often.

Guess what happens after you are offended?
That’s right, nothing.
So grow up, be an adult, and move on.

If the people in horror movies listened to me shouting at them, they would still be alive.

The world ended yesterday.
Today is an action replay.

When you buy something for a song.
You may have to face the music later on.

If pollution is uncontrolled, the muck shall inherit the Earth.

I have a date tonight with my bed.
We are going to sleep together.

Never go to bed angry.
Stay up and plot your revenge.

The success of a family get-together doesn’t depend on what you can discuss, but who.

When I say ‘I cleaned my room’.
I usually mean I made a path from the door to my bed.

Every man is a hero in his own home.
Until the company leaves.

I’m constantly being told that the world doesn’t revolve around me.
I know it doesn’t, stupid, it revolves around the sun, which shines out of my ass.

A woman’s idea of a bore is a bloke who prefers his own company.

Carrots may be good for your eyes.
But alcohol gives you double vision.

The reason I work so hard is because millions of people on benefits depend on me.