Wayne Rooney Is A Miserable Man

Jesus satisfied 5,000 with five loaves and two fish.
Ian Holloway has satisfied 60,000 with 11 tangerines.

The kind of girls who go to night clubs to try and snare a footballer should be known as Sleazy Lazy Abhorrent Gold-Diggers (The SLAGS).

Wayne Rooney has got the I.Q. of a steak and ale pie.
He’s a basic mammal with one unusual skill – he’s like a bear that can play the accordion.
He’s a miserable man trapped in a prison of meaningless shit.
If Sky Sports must startle this simple beast with a camera, they shouldn’t gasp themselves sick when he does something primitive.
In fact, they should be rewarding him with an extra handful of feed for not instinctively leaping on top of the scary picture-catching machine and trying to hump the lens to death.
(Charlie Brooker)