Never tell a lie. Unless lying is one of your strong points. I went to…
People say I am crazy, but crazy is running into walls.
And I stopped doing that last week.
I would like to apologise to anyone I have not yet offended.
Please be patient.
I will get to you shortly.
I would leave the house more often if there weren’t so many idiots everywhere masquerading as humans.
I’m sorry if I sometimes come across as opinionated or crude.
That’s because I am opinionated and crude.
Idiots.. It isn’t that hard to spot them.
If they could fly, government offices would be airports.
I drank so much wine last night, when I walked across the dance floor to get another glass, I won the dance competition.
I always say “morning” instead of “good morning”.
Because if it was good morning, I would still be in my bed and not talking to anyone.
My Guardian Angel told me I will never go to hell because the devil has a restraining order against me.
I think my Guardian Angel drinks.
You know how they say the wisest people learn from the mistakes of others?
I think I may be one of the others.
Lord, please give me patience.
Because if you give me strength, I may need bail money too.
I am currently unsupervised.
I know, it freaks me out too.
But the possibilities are endless.
When I get a headache and take an aspirin, I always keep away from children.
Just like it says on the bottle.
Some people need an attitude adjustment.
That’s why I always carry a club hammer.
A wise man once said: “Fuck all this shit”, and lived happily ever after.
I did a push-up today.
Well, actually I fell over and used my arms to get back up.
So, close enough.
A meal without wine is called breakfast.
If you think I talk too much, let me know.
We can talk about it.
They say money talks.
But mine just waves goodbye.
If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand.
Now put it over your mouth.
I would agree with you.
But then we would both be wrong.
If I had a pound for every time I got my sums right.
I would have one pound twenty seven.
( George Osborne )
I’m either too tired to listen to all the crap and bull-shit.
Or too sober.
I hate when someone I know sees me at the supermarket and says, “Hey, what are you doing here?”
And I’m just like, “Oh, you know, still looking for that escaped tiger.”
If only we could drill a hole in the skull of some people to let the stupid out.
If we get caught, you are deaf and I don’t speak English.
Money can’t buy happiness but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bus.
I’m not sure if I should go out and enjoy life.
Or stay at home and not be poor tomorrow.
I tried to log-in on my iPad.
Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don’t own an iPad.
Also, I’ve just finished the last of the wine.
I want to sleep but my brain won’t stop talking to itself.
If you should happen to see me talking to myself.
Don’t be alarmed, I’m just getting expert advice.
Well, another day has passed since I left school and started working.
And I still haven’t used Algebra once.
I like to drink wine from an extra large glass because it’s classier than drinking from the bottle.
I love everybody.
Some I love to be around.
Some I love to avoid.
And some I’d love to hit over the head with a brick.
Roses are red, so is my wine.
Refill my glass and I will be just fine.
My doctor asked me if any members of my family suffered from insanity.
I told him no, they all seem to enjoy it.
Someone else being crazy doesn’t bother me.
It’s being more crazy than me that bothers me.
If you find me offensive, then I suggest you stop finding me.
I’m not saying I hate you.
But I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
Instead of calling it the ‘John’, I call my bathroom the ‘Jim’.
That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
I am not always sarcastic.
Sometimes I’m sleeping.
When I woke up this morning, I had no plans to be awesome.
But shit happens.
I never make the same mistake twice.
I make it six or seven times just to be sure.
I told you I will be ready in five minutes.
Please stop calling me every half hour.
I’m just one step away from being rich.
All I need now is money.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply hadn’t found out where to go shopping.
If people decide to be an asshole, that’s ok, it’s a free country.
Millions before them have made the same decision.
I sometimes feel ashamed about all the beer I drink.
Then I think about the workers in the brewery and about their hopes and dreams.