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Never tell a lie.
Unless lying is one of your strong points.

I went to a real nice family restaurant last week.
Every table had an argument going.

I had a wonderful idea this morning.
But I didn’t like it.

If I spoke my mind all the time, I’d be in deep shit.

I woke up, got out of bed, and had a coffee.
I think that’s enough for one day.

I look back on my life and I’m extremely impressed that I’m still alive.

I’d like to wish Prince Charles a happy birthday today by reminding him that now he’s turned 67 if his mum lives to the same age as her mum, he’s only got another 12 years to wait until he has his first day at work.
Aged 79.
( Brian Reade, 14.11.2015 )

You call them swear words, I call them sentence enhancers.

My boss told me to have a good day.
So I went home.

I’m not lazy.
I just really enjoy doing nothing.

Life is short.
Smile while you still have teeth.

I can sum up everything I wish to say to you in just two words.
The second word is off.

You can always tell when some people are lying.
Their lips move.

What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?
( James Allen interviewing Formula One driver Ralf Schumacher )

Your car is German.
Your vodka is Russian.

Your pizza is Italian.
Your kebab is Turkish.

Your coffee is Brazilian.
Your movies are American.

Your tea is from India.
Your TV is from Japan.

Your oil is from Saudi Arabia.
Your iPad is from China.

And you complain about immigrants?

A man asked a fairy to make him irresistible to all women.
The fairy turned him into a credit card.

Life is a gamble at terrible odds.
If it was a bet, you wouldn’t take it.

Anyone can get old.
All you have to do is live long enough.

I will never be over the hill.
I’m too damn tired to climb the hill.

It’s very rare, but, one of the blessings in life is to find someone who isn’t full of shit.

There’s always that one person who catches you doing something weird.

It’s not the minutes spent at the dinner table that put on weight – It’s the seconds.

A butcher was banned from advertising “big-breasted birds” and “fresh cocks”.

I’m on a flexible diet.
I come off it at meal times.

You’re nobody till somebody loathes you.

I’m going to run away from home as soon as I get one.

Never before in my whole life have I met anyone with as many problems and bad luck as you have.
Your story has touched my heart.
Now piss off and stop bothering me.

A memorial service is a farewell party for someone who has already left.

Most people’s resolutions go in one year and out the other.

After three months trial at Kodak they released my mate, saying he had a negative approach and that they couldn’t see him developing any further.

I’ve seen an awful lot in my day.
Most of it on TV and the internet.

How do I feel when I get up in the morning?

The advantage of doing one’s praising for oneself is that one can lay it on so thick and exactly in the right places.

If at first you don’t succeed.
Have a massive tantrum, tell everyone to f++k off, and have a glass of cold beer.

Statistics can be used to support anything.
Especially statisticians.

I’ve been putting a lot of thought into it.
And I just don’t think being an adult is gonna work for me.

If you want to look young and thin.
Hang out with old, fat people.

When someone asks me what goes best with this particular wine.
I tell them, ‘Another glass’.

If anyone tells you that you drink too much, stop talking to them.

I’ve learned to use meditation and relaxation to handle stress.
Just kidding.
I’m on my second bottle of wine.

To make a long story short, yawn.

I started cooking with wine last night.
After six glasses, I forgot why I was in the kitchen.

Don’t let my facts get in the way of your ignorance.

If I’d known I was going to live this long, I would have taken better care of myself.

Everyone says you should follow your dreams.
So I’m going back to bed.

Life is for living only when you can’t get to sleep.

Have a great day.
Or don’t.
No one cares.
Be yourself.
Be your awful, boring self.

With care our body should last a lifetime.

I don’t need an alarm clock.
My ideas wake me

I’m not an asshole, I’m actually a very nice person.
You are just pissed because I can see through your bull-shit.

What do I feel like when I get up in the morning?
I feel like going straight back to bed.

Let me stop you right there.
Nobody here gives a shit.

I should be given an award for keeping my mouth shut.
When there’s so much to be said

If someone hates you for no reason.
Give the moron a reason.

Don’t like my sarcasm?
Well, I don’t like your stupid.

There are some people who will never like me.
And I will never give a shit.

I’m at my best when I’m sleeping.
My life seems to fall apart when I’m awake.

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

This year, I hope summer falls on a Saturday.

This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.
( Ted Walsh, horse racing commentator )

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