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I want to be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now.

I hate mornings.
It takes me three days to wake up.

That scary moment when your cat comes in the room.
Stares at something you can’t see.
And then runs away in a panic.

I know the precise psychological moment when to say nothing.

You found what I said offensive?
I found it funny.
That’s why I’m happier than you.

People who complain about paying their income tax can be divided into two types..
Men and women.

I’ve been shopping all my life and still have nothing to wear.

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the Ark wasn’t leaving till six.
Yours sincerely,
The Unicorns 

Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.

If I’m ever lucky enough to have an out-of-body experience, there’s no way in hell I’m coming back to this one.

I’m an expert at sleeping.
I can do it with my eyes closed.

I always come out in a rash when I get paid.
My boss asked “Why?”
I told him I’m allergic to peanuts.

It’s been ‘One of those days’.
For like, two years now.

Never trust an atom.
They make up everything.

I’m not lazy.
I’m just on energy saving mode.

I’m having friends over later to stare at their mobile phones.

You can’t fix stupid.
But you can sedate it.

Last week I threw a boomerang at a ghost.
I knew it would come back to haunt me.

Due to the confidentiality of my job, I have no idea what I’m doing.

I tried it once.

My face was flushed, I was sweaty, my heart was racing, I was short of breath.
Far too dangerous.

When will the pharmaceutical industry invent a vaccine for ‘stupid’?

You will have to wait your turn.
I’m not quite finished upsetting this person yet.

I tell my children that the sweets in the checkout isle is dog food.

I haven’t lost my mind.
Half of it wandered off, and the other half went looking for it.

My job interview went well.
I think when I cried it helped.

Ever had one of those days when you should have skipped coffee and gone straight for the wine?

Karma is just sharpening her knives and finishing her glass of wine.
She will be with you shortly.

I will try anything once.
Twice if I like it.

Crying about your broken heart won’t help.
Cut off his balls, set his house on fire, and move on like an adult.

If you can’t be a good example.
Be a warning.

I told my solicitor I was down to my last 50 quid and asked if he could answer two questions for that amount.
“Certainly”, he said, “What’s the second question?”

Tossing and turning in bed is my idea of exercise.

I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you were an expert on my life.
Wait a sec while I get a pen and paper to take notes.

I’m so mysterious, not even I know what I’m doing.

My memory is getting worse.
I now forget what I’m doing while I’m actually doing it.

Out of all the lies I’ve told, “Just Kidding” is my favourite.

I’ve devised a great labour-saving device.
It’s called tomorrow.

I’m making changes in my life.
So if you don’t hear from me, then you know you are one of them.

That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and it walks right past you.

Always be positive.
If you accidently fall down the stairs.
Just get up and say to yourself, “Shit, I got down those stairs fast.”

I’ve been making the same mistakes in life for so long now, I call them traditions.

I’m not crazy, I’m just special.
No, wait a minute.
Maybe I am crazy.
Hold on a sec, I need to talk to myself about this.

If one door closes and another opens, your house is probably haunted.

The officer said, “You drinking?”
I said, “You buying?”
We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.

He who tickles himself can be happy whenever he wants.

I love my work.
I can sit and look at it for hours.

If you fall, I’ll be there.
( The Floor )

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