Never tell a lie. Unless lying is one of your strong points. I went to…
The best number for a dinner party is two.
Myself and a damn good waiter.
You are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.
Being complimented sometimes embarrasses me.
I always feel they haven’t quite said enough.
Sometimes all you need is a couple of million dollars.
The thing I like about women is their loyalty.
When a women reaches an age she likes, she sticks with it.
Social tact is making your company feel at home.
Even though you wish they were.
I’ve got a good heart, but my mouth…
I know I’m a bit crazy, that’s part of my character, but if you don’t like it, then get off my unicorn.
The wife asked me if I’d seen the dog bowl.
I replied: I didn’t even know he played cricket.
I lose track of the times I want to say to someone, ‘You can’t be that f**k**g stupid’.
What’s the difference between a Tory MP and a flying pig?
The letter “F”.
My duty is a thing I never do, on principle.
I’m pretty sure I was supposed to be a princess.
No, seriously, someone better fix this shit.
The fact that there’s a ‘Highway to Hell’ and only a ‘Stairway to Heaven’, says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Once in a while, in the middle of an ordinary life, you meet someone special and fall in love.
For the rest of us there is simply alcohol.
An optimist is someone who thinks the future is uncertain.
What happens if you smoke weed in a Muslim country?
You get stoned twice.
A hypochondriac is someone who enjoys bad health.
We are getting stronger.
Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry twenty pounds worth of groceries.
Today, a five year-old can do it.
A seven course Irish meal is 6 pints of Guinness and a potato.
I’ve lost my mind.
if you find it, don’t bother to return it.
It’s not working properly, anyway.
Modesty is the art of encouraging people to find out for themselves how wonderful you are.
Don’t get annoyed if your neighbour plays his music at two o’clock in the morning.
Call him at four and tell him how much you enjoyed it.
How many people work in our office?
About half of them.
My mate has two jobs.
A job to get off the sofa, and a job to stay awake.
Nothing is more irritating than not being invited to a party you wouldn’t be seen dead at.
Don’t for one second think that I will be affected by you calling me a bitch.
Flattery will get you nowhere with me.
One advantage of sleepwalking.
You get rest and exercise at the same time.
Whenever it rains my girlfriend just stands at the window looking sad.
Sometimes I let her in.
I’m amazed by how much time and energy it takes to get almost nothing done.
When a fellow is kicking he has only one leg to stand on.
Dance like no one is watching, because they’re not.
They’re checking their phones.
I didn’t trip.
The floor looked unhappy and sad, so I thought it needed a hug.
I’m not confused.
I’m just well stirred, well mixed.
That whole ‘No Rest For The Wicked’ thing is bull-shit.
I take a lot of naps.
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody’s listening.
Formula for success:
Rise early, work late, win the lottery.
Better days are just around the corner.
They are called Saturday and Sunday.
My life would be so much easier if I wasn’t intelligent enough to realise how stupid some people are.
Middle age is when your knees buckle and your belt doesn’t.
I never tell anyone how old I am.
When you get to my age, actions creak louder than words.
Today, it isn’t facing the music that hurts.
It’s listening to it.
My mate likes to remain anonymous when donating money to charity, so he doesn’t sign the cheque.
Men cheat because men are assholes.
Women cheat because men are assholes.
My brother-in-law is so sneaky he can follow someone into a revolving door and come out ahead of them.
Friday is my second favourite F word.