Never tell a lie. Unless lying is one of your strong points. I went to…
My brother’s golf is improving.
Yesterday he hit the ball in one.
I never question my wife’s choices because I’m one of them.
A boxer was disqualified for using his head.
He decided not to turn up for the fight.
I’m too sexy for my hair, that’s why it isn’t there.
Two blokes walk into a building.
You’d think one of them would’ve seen it.
We live in a time of smart phones and stupid people.
Can we start the weekend over again?
I wasn’t ready.
My mate hurt his back the other day.
He was playing piggy-back with his four-year-old son and he fell off.
I look at my wife and think, damn she’s such a lucky woman.
When I was at school, the teacher asked me to name six wild animals.
I replied, “Four elephants and two lions.”
A tortoise was recaptured 500 metres from home after eight months on the run.
I don’t understand your specific kind of stupid.
But I do admire your total commitment to it.
If something is neither here nor there, then where the hell is it?
My mate booked a flight yesterday and was asked, “How many people will be travelling with you?”
He replied, “I don’t know. It’s your plane.”
I love music and think there should be music in every home.
Apart from the one next door.
My mate went to the airport last week.
He was heading for check-in when he tripped over some luggage, and went flying.
Why do they call those little chocolate bars ‘fun-sized’?
Wouldn’t it be more fun to eat a big one?
When a will is read, heirs listen with probated breath.
I never believe in putting something off until tomorrow when I can get somebody else to do it today.
The only difference between men and boys is the size of their toys.
I always start the day with good intentions.
Then when I get out of bed it all starts to go wrong.
Australia is Britain’s biggest open air prison.
There are many different types of people in the world.
I’m pretty sure I’m not any of them.
It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
Is it wrong for me to walk around at Christmas with mistletoe in my pocket?
Most people who are as attractive, witty and intelligent as I am are usually conceited.
It takes three to make a good conservation.
Two talking and one to be talked about.
The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least possible amount of hissing.
Some people are so miserly, they won’t even give a piece of their mind free.
If God wanted girls to do exercises, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
The trouble with being the strong silent type is that you never get served.
When you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead.
It’s the same when you’re an asshole.
Don’t waste energy resisting temptation.
I should be ashamed of myself.
Thank God I’m not.
Some people have only one fault.
They’re absolutely useless.
If you think patience is a virtue, try surfing the net without high speed internet.
They’re not wardrobes being delivered next door, they’re stereo speakers.
You must know your limitations.
I drink nine pints of lager a day, that’s mine.
I don’t mind going to work.
It’s staying there all day that gets me down.
I once thought I was wrong, but it turns out I was mistaken.
The price of health food makes me sick.
I am my own man, I owe my lack of success to nobody.
I can’t stand doing nothing, I prefer to do it lying down.
I left my last job because of illness and fatigue.
The boss was sick and tired of me.
I’m so unlucky, if I owned a funeral parlour, no one would die.
Cigarette smoke is the residue of your pleasure.
It pollutes the air and gets in my hair and clothes.
I too have a pleasure, I like to drink beer.
The residue of my pleasure is urine.
How would you like me to stand over you and piss on your head?
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter.
Some day I intend reading it.
Some performers acts have a lot of get up and go.
When they perform the audience get up and go.
I hate repeating gossip, but what else can you do with it?
I’m the kind of mad person you weren’t warned about.
Because no one knew this level of madness existed.