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It only takes one drink to make me drunk.
I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth.

I like to drink because it makes other people look more interesting.

I’m not saying my local is posh, but at least the tattoos are spelt right.

I’m on a wine diet.
I’ve lost three days already.

Spirit drinkers are agile, but they are excitable.
Beer drinkers are heavy, but in their heaviness there is peace.

I don’t dance because my drink spills on the floor.

I ran out of coffee this morning.
Wine seemed to be a reasonable replacement.
Everything has looked so wonderful today.

I am not a hard drinker.
I find it very easy.

I’m a wine enthusiast.
The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I become.

I’m always in favour of double glazing.
A glass in each hand.

I don’t have a drinking problem.
I get drunk, and I fall down.
No problem at all.

My doctor told me to eat more fruit.
So I put a cherry in my beer.

I kept reading about the evils of drink.
So I gave up reading.

Always buy a bigger bottle than you think you’ll need.
Better to be safe than sober.

I like the odd drink..  5, 7, 9, 11.

It doesn’t matter if the glass is half empty or half full.
There is clearly room for more.

If I could afford to drown my sorrows, I wouldn’t have any.

My doctor told me I was a heavy drinker and must do something about it.
So I went on a diet.

I’m not sober long enough to get one.

It’s taken a lot of will power but I’ve finally kicked the urge to give up drinking.

I am not a heavy drinker.
I can sometimes go for hours without touching a drop.

I rescued some wine today.
It was trapped in a bottle.

Alcohol doesn’t make you fat.
It makes you lean.

Against bars, walls, tables.

I know I should give up drinking, but I’m not a quitter.

I’ve joined alcoholics anonymous.
I still drink, but under a different name.

People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.

My doctor told me not to drink before lunch.
So I gave up lunch.

Sometimes I look around at the trees and the flowers and listen to the birds and the insects.
And I think, “I could really murder a pint”.

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

My doctor said he couldn’t find the cause of my illness.
He said it may be due to drinking too much.
I told him I’ll come back when he’s sober.

I tried jogging once, but I kept spilling my beer.

I never eat when I’m drinking.
I don’t believe in wasting valuable space.

My handicap is the pub between my house and the golf course.

To relieve stress I do yoga.
Just kidding.
To relieve stress I drink wine while wearing my yoga pants.

Executives and top management don’t get drunk.
They unwind.

I only drink to steady my nerves.
Last night I got so steady I couldn’t move.

The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

I’m going to stop drinking.
I don’t think I’m an alcoholic yet.
But I can see the writing on the floor.

I have a drink problem.
I can’t afford as much of it as I’d like.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking.
So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.

Nothing annoys me as much as being told I’ve had too much to drink and being unable to stand up and dispute it.

I drink a lot of wine because my doctor said I shouldn’t keep things bottled up.

Most people my age spend a lot of time thinking about the next few years.
The time they spend thinking, I spend drinking.

I’m not looking for a soul-mate.
I’m looking for a drinking-mate.

Not getting too technical, but according to chemistry alcohol is a solution.

I need a vacation.
Somewhere hot.
On a beach.
With plenty of wine, and beer, and gin, and rum.

I learn something new every day, but after a few beers I forget what it was.

I like to drink wine from an extra large glass because it’s classier than drinking from the bottle.

Carrots may be good for your eyes.
But alcohol will double your vision.

Roses are red, so is my wine.
Refill my glass and I will be just fine.

My idea of a balanced diet is a pint in each hand.

I ran twice today.
First I ran out of beer, and then I ran to get some more.

I only drink on days ending in Y.

Never take advice from me, you might end up drunk.

Drinking after work is fine, but if you really want to enjoy working then drink before work.

Trust me, you can dance, said Alcohol

I don’t get drunk.
I just get less classy and more fun.

A meal without wine is called breakfast.

What I do when I’m drunk is none of my business.

This may be the wine talking, 
but I really, really, really, really love wine.

In 1965, The British Medical Association recommended that the safe limit for drinking and driving should be the equivalent of 12 whiskies (True).

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