Never tell a lie. Unless lying is one of your strong points. I went to…
My formula for living is quite simple.
I get up in the morning and I go to bed at night.
In between, I occupy myself as best I can.
I’ve fallen off the edge of the world a few times.
I’m tired of being an adult.
Can I please come home now?
Even though I know better, I keep on doing the wrong things.
Was I behaving badly?
Of course I was.
What a stupid question.
My favourite thing about winter is when it’s over.
I don’t care what anybody says about me as long as it isn’t true.
Be the reason someone smiles today.
Or the reason they drink.
I would love to insult you, but I’m afraid I won’t do as well as nature did.
My hobbies include eating and complaining that I’m fat.
Spread happiness by smiling at someone today.
Or flash your boobs.
I’ve put my gran on speed-dial.
I call it Instagran.
When you go out looking fabulous, you never see anyone you know.
Pop out for five minutes looking like shit and it’s a damn reunion.
I don’t mind suffering in silence as long as everyone knows I’m doing it.
I’ve changed my mind about making up my mind not to change it any more.
You don’t like me?
What a shame.
Just give me two seconds to get over this major disappointment.
The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
Inhale all the good shit, and exhale all the bad shit.
When I have to make a decision and I don’t make it, that is a decision.
My doctor said to me:
“Welcome to the Stone Age. You’ve got gall stones, kidney stones, and bladder stones.”
I couldn’t decide what to do today.
So I didn’t.
I couldn’t think where to begin.
So I decided not to.
I’m trying to see things from your point of view.
But I can’t stick my head that far up my ass.
I used to be undecided, but now I’m not so sure.
Some days I’m full of the joys of almost living.
When people ask me dumb questions, I feel obligated to give them dumb answers.
It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
I’m now at the age where I’ve got to prove that I’m just as good as I never was.
WIFE : My aerobics instructor says I’ve got the chest of a 22 year-old.
HUBBY: What did he say about your 60 year-old arse?
WIFE : We never mentioned you.
The best exercise is sleeping and resting.
Each day I do two things that I dislike.
I get up and I go to bed.
Why do mornings have to start at such an unearthly hour?
Please grant me the ability to punch people in the face over the internet.
My doctor told me I’d be ok as long as I woke up every morning.
There must be a better way of starting the day than getting up.
The hardest work I do all day is before breakfast. Getting up.
I always like to have the morning well-aired before I get up.
I did my exercise this morning.
Two press-ups followed by six coughs and forty winks.
I take lots of walks during the day.
To the fridge.
You know what would make house-cleaning much more fun?
When I was thirty I used to touch my toes twenty times every morning.
These days, I have a cup of coffee and point at them.
Duct tape can’t fix stupid.
But it can muffle the sound.
I had about ten hours sleep last night and another three this afternoon on the couch.
Now I’m wide awake.
This insomnia is a curse.
I have fun by bringing together people I know will never get along with each other.
There’s nothing more exhausting than tossing and turning all day long trying to drop off to sleep.
I would do anything to regain my youth as long as I didn’t have to take exercise or get up early.
Our phones fall, we panic.
Our friends fall, we laugh.
I just bought some new golf socks and I’ve already got a hole in one.
I’ve found a great way to start the day.
I go straight back to bed.
I don’t think I’ll bother getting up today.
I feel like an early night.
He said, “How much do you love me?”
She said, “Count the stars in the sky and that is how much.”
He said, “It’s morning though.”
She said, “Exactly.”
Success is simply a matter of luck.
Ask any failure.
If one door closes and another opens, your house is probably haunted.
If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
At my age, ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for.
My wife made me a millionaire.
I used to be a multi-millionaire.
All I really need is a bag full of cash and a long holiday.
I am able to remember nearly all the songs from the 60s but forget why I walked into the kitchen.
My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas six years running.
This year we’re having a change.
We’re going to let her in.
I need to find a hobby that doesn’t include eating or buying things.
What you just said was so frigging stupid, I think I slipped into a coma for a few seconds.
Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning..
The devil says, “Oh, crap, she’s up!”